NRA strongly endorses bipartisan legislation; President Obama to sign
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning development on Capitol Hill earlier today, Congress approved comprehensive legislation aimed at curtailing gun violence against children by making it illegal for children to live in the United States, period.
President Barack Obama signaled that he would immediately sign the bill, which passed with overwhelming bipartisan support in both the House and the Senate. The National Rifle Association (NRA) also endorsed the bill.
The law, titled the “Getting Them Far Overseas Act” (or the GTFO Act), calls for the immediate deportation of children under the age of 18 to randomly assigned foreign countries.
Families who are “conscientious objectors” to sending their children to any foreign nation have the option to place them on a rickety old sailing barge that will float aimlessly throughout international waters.
Women who are currently pregnant will not need to worry about unintentionally breaking the law when their new infants are born. A section of the GTFO Act, popularly known as the “Nermal Clause,” stipulates that all children born after January 15 will be mailed to Abu Dhabi within 72 hours of birth.
In Washington, D.C., within minutes of the news that the GTFO Act had passed, parents were already lining up their kids at Reagan International Airport to send them off to their new homes.
“I saw daddy dancing in the hallway, hugging his hunting rifle and saying ‘Thank God I don’t have to give you up,’” one 8-year-old boy said. “Then he grabbed a baseball glove and took the rifle out to the backyard to play catch with it. Daddy never played catch with me.”
Reaction from the White House was considerably upbeat.
“This is an historic day in the fight to end gun violence against children in our country,” President Obama said, speaking to reporters from the White House press conference room. “Working together with parties on all sides of the issue, we were able to determine the best possible solution to this problem; that solution is GTFO.”
“Obviously, there were a lot of folks around the country who insisted on clinging to their guns,” the president noted. “But remarkably, almost nobody was opposed to the idea of getting rid of our kids.”
President Obama tapped Vice President Joe Biden last month to lead a task force addressing recent mass shootings in the United States. The task force spoke with legislators, health care professionals, members of the NRA, officials from the video game industry, and others about how to curtail gun violence against children.
“At one point during our talks, I mentioned to everyone, ‘the common denomination here seems to be keeping our kids safe,’” Biden said, speaking via conference call. “Then someone corrected me by saying, ‘Joe, I think you mean common denominator.’ I was never really that good with fractions.”
When the vice president realized that everyone involved in the talks were concerned about the safety of the nation’s children, an unorthodox proposal materialized.
“As we were finalizing our recommendations to the president, we sort of had an epiphany,” Biden said. “We’ve tried banning guns, but there’s a fat chance of that ever happening. So we asked ourselves, ‘what if we tried banning kids instead?’ After all, there are two sides to gun violence: the guns, and the victims. Eliminate one side and the problem goes away. We’ll never get rid of guns, so we’re getting rid of the victims.”
“This is a big [bleep]ing deal,” the vice president added. “And I can say that freely, because there won’t be any impressionable young children around to hear it. Hell, I can just say whatever the [bleep] I want now. This is great!”
House Speaker John Boehner had high praise for the legislation.
“The true brilliance of this law is how it narrows the gap in the deficit,” Boehner said. “With all of our children being sent overseas, American taxpayers won’t be able to take any child credits on their returns, which will generate billions in revenue. So not only do we solve the gun violence problem, but we also eliminate a tax loophole that has long plagued our nation’s fiscal health. Good riddance to those little brats, I say.”
NRA president David Keene embraced the news that the GTFO Act had passed.
“It was really the only sensible thing the government could do,” Keene said. “I’m thrilled that our government recognized the need to protect the 2nd Amendment while at the same time keeping our children safe. It’s certainly not easy to choose between your kids and your guns. I mean, the eleven SIG P229s I conceal and carry at all times are just as much children to me as my actual children are. But we’re doing the right thing.”
When asked how he thought America’s children would handle the transition to living in other countries around the world, Keene showed little concern.
“Naturally, we want to make sure our kids are safe as they’re involuntarily scattered across the globe,” he said. “I would love to let each of them take their own guns for protection. But, countries like Great Britain and Australia have extremely tight restrictions on owning firearms, so that’s not possible.”
“Fortunately, the rate of gun violence over in those countries seems to be far lower than it is here,“ Keene added. “So our kids will be in a much safer situation. Thank goodness they have their [bleep] together over there.”
While international reaction to the GTFO Act appeared mixed, U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon indicated that member nations would be ready and willing to accept the incoming throngs of American children and help them adapt to a life of exile.
“It’s not exactly the craziest thing the United States has done, so whatever,” Ki-moon said.
Meanwhile, President Obama contemplated how the law would affect his own family.
“With Sasha and Malia gone, I won’t have to listen to those goddamned ‘One Direction’ punks anymore,” the president said. “That’s what makes this law beautiful.”
So yeah, today's entry is in the style of The Onion. If you found it even remotely humorous, I will consider this entry a tremendous success. Thanks for reading!